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Humorous poems


The Punctuation Awards


The Punctuation Awards

The question and exclamation marks
Got into a fight
The one never knows the answer
The other's always right

The full stop took offence
About the comma's tail
It made him feel inadequate
A punctuation fail

The powerful apostrophe
Divides and separates
While the posh looking hyphen
Has double-barrelled traits

But the winner of this event
For me, has to be
The ellipsis, with its dot, dot, dot
It goes on eternally...



Who Took my Humour 


I've lost my sense of humour
Can't think when I had it last
I know it was there
When I cut my own hair
But that was three weeks past

I'm wondering where I've left it
I'm thinking where could it be
I had it in town
When I squeezed in that gown
I was sure a 12 would fit me

You know I've just had a thought
My daughter was giggling last night
A sight rarely seen
From my cross, crabby teen
Perhaps she took it in spite

Has she taken my sense of humour
Along with everything I own
Not content with just money
She wanted my funny
And has left me with her moan and groan

Will I live like this forever.
No smiles, just narks and niggles
Maybe its worth
All the humour on earth
To see her in fits of the giggles

Okay girl, you can keep it
But remember if I'm on your case
When my humour is flowing
I'm more easy going
And less likely to be in your face



A Neighbour's plight

She walks like me
She talks like me
She dresses like me

But what a to do
For the lady who
Thinks we're two

She lives by me
She smiles like me
She laughs like me

I said, Why not try
To both saying 'Hi'
But she's quite shy

So on we go
But at least I know
Why she says hello

 40 Forum posts

I didn't know I suffered
But now I know I do
Can you guess my OCD
Is it plain enough for you

I'm obsessed with post count totals
They haunt me in the night
I even saw my doc who said
You know you're never right

So now I have a number
Of which I'm very proud
It's time for me to make my mark
And stand out in the crowd

The time has come to make a vow
In silence I shall sit
Minutes? Hours? Days? Rejoice
Without my talk of sh*t

So once again, I cannot bear
To break my row of noughts
Comments now I want to make
Will have to stay as thoughts

Until the mighty task ahead
Has been truly met and faced
Shall I ever post again? 
Or stay in second place

 I wanna do posh

I want to wear twin-sets
With pearls and beige slacks
I want to do lunch
At a place named 'Chez Jaques'

I want to talk with
A plum in my mouth
And have a large property
By the sea, down South

I want to have servants
And a lady-in-waiting
To get me dressed up
For all my posh dating

I want to date ladies
in large-brimmed hats
Who only eat lean
Never touching the fats

I want to drink tonic
With a small splash of gin
With ice and a lemon 
Stuck onto the rim

I want to meet ladies
That fully-groom
And instead of the toilet
Use the powder-room

And all this
I'd like to do today
Then go back 
To my slovenly way!

 The Supermarket Coupon

Is every chain store coupon
An opportunity, a door? 
To change routine, try something new
Or is it something more? 

This morning I went shopping
Coupons picked my lunch
Corned beef rolls were very nice
But now I have a hunch

The corned beef was more expensive
Than the one I normally pick
And the rolls were quite exquisite
Are they taking the mick? 

Are they trying to refine me? 
Make me be more posh
I cannot see that 'appening
I'll stick with my cheap nosh

So when I get a coupon
They'll now go in the bin
An opportunity, an open door
That I won't be letting in













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